X'mas gifts I bought for myself =)

You know what! Even though I didn't get many gifts for X'mas! I bought a few things during x'mas sale yesterday morning! =P

Hope everyone had a happy holiday!

I had an eventful holiday weekend so far. It’s not what I wanted to be like but hey! It wasn’t that bad I suppose?

Thursday- Boss was cool enough to let us out at noon!

Friday- Had lunch with Stephanie, an old friend of mine from Radford in Charlottesville. She brought her kids with her and met me up at I-Hop for lunch. It’s been a year and a half since I last saw her. It was fun catching up!

Met up with my parents at the crappy Charlottesville mall for a few hours then went to the hospital to visit my brother.

My brother is doing ok…… same as before I would say. At times he is unstable and I’m sure my parents’ visits aren’t helping him very much. They are giving him pressure by telling him what to do…. especially my dad.

Charlottesville had become a sad town for me. I never liked the place and now I actually hate it because of what happened.

Saturday- Visited my brother in the hospital again and brought him lunch with my parents. Me and my mom warned my dad to dim the “pressure talk” at the hospital…..

My brother got a new “roommate”. I suppose this might be good for him to actually be with a person everyday. His roomy’s sickness is very minimal so there isn’t anything to worry about. After lunch, I laid beside my brother on his bed… he was falling asleep because of his medication and I was reading my book. We did chat a bit and told me about pressures from my parents and things like that………. Sad. I hope he will get better.

Got home with the parents in the afternoon from the hospital. Mom and me took a trip to mom’s friend’s place to pick some things up. We sat there and talked about my dad’s illness for a few hours………

Disturbance and pressure:

My mom gave me a pile of “notes” my brother wrote and drew during his depression. She found them this pass week while cleaning out his apartment room. There are about 30 or a bit more pages of random drawings of circles and notes that don’t make sense. Most of them are just writings about him being able to control time and wanting to do a lot of things while times are going slow in his mind. There are also notes and time stamp on each page of him testing out drugs. As I read more in, things became unreadable. It ended up being a bunch of scribbles……….. just like what crazy people does on the walls in their cell. It’s a bit scary.

Then she asked me to go through my brother’s two laptops and delete things…. The things I saw on his computer were disturbing……….

As for my dad, I just hate him so much right now and probably will hate him for the rest of my life. The way he is acting and handling my brother’s situation isn’t helping at all. He encouraged my brother’s suicidal act a few weeks back….. if it wasn’t for me being there, I bet he would of jumped already considering he was under the influence of some drugs. He was the one that ruins our family ever since me and my brother moved to the states. Fights happens every other day….. I should of known it was because of his bi-polar genes that were passed down from his side of the family. He pressure us so much………. I was strong enough not to care about his comments but my brother was too weak……….. and look where he is now. Until this day, my dad still denies he was the cause of this…. You know, he can ruin my childhood and my mom’s life (she chose to be with him) but my brothers….. not my brother. He is too young and innocent to be his victim.

My dad demand to visit my brother in the hospital everyday, and after the visit he would ask my mom to call my brother in the hospital every 5 minutes… and of course she refuse to call…….. when he is there, he kept on making my brother do things he doesn’t want to do and asking him random questions…… talking about his sickness….. that isn’t the way to treat a patient! I really wish my brother can stay at the hospital a bit longer…… I don’t think him coming home is a good idea. I told him he could live w/me if he feels pressured by my dad………..

My mom is also getting annoyed at my dad……. I am asking her to divorce him once and for all…. They should have been divorce 14 years ago when his bi-polar came out but NO… she decide we can suffer through it……. And look where we stand. I hate how weak minded Asian women are. My mom always say things and at the last second she chickens out…… and do the totally opposite by making up more excuses for herself…………….

Pressure is building higher and higher……. I really don’t want to be home right now but maybe god want me to…… because I am SNOWED IN!

Happy holidays guys……. at least I got my dogs with me to make me happy..... and you guys! =)

Donut Tree =P

Heaven? =)

I hate silent treatment. It's so dumb and immature.

First snow fall....... with emptyness

Feeling: Empty
Weather: Snowie

I feel so empty lately.......

today's snow fall was so pretty. I get to wear my moon boots. =)

Here are some random pictures:

my VHS collection..... this is like.. 5% of my whole collection. most of them are at home home

I found my fingerless gloves from elementary school!! It still fit!!! Does that mean my hands never grew?

Vacnouver blanket is on my wall now

I love my shower curtain so much... it's the only thing that makes me happy

P.S- I LOVE ALL MY GWJ BOYS. Thank you for the support.

I'm falling into pieces

I hope my brother gets better.......... that is all I can think about everyday.

Visited him in the hospital over the weekend.... the next day he forgot I was there. The books I gave him were gone.

Never... never ever I would ever thought he would turn out to be like this. If anyone should be taking drugs in the family it would be me. I should of been the one that went crazy but I stayed strong. I wish he was as strong as me..... this isn't the time for me to blame anyone.... it is useless. I just pray everyday that he gets better. He is the closest family member I have in life. What would I do if I lost him....... I really don't know.....

Me being emo. This is how i express my thoughts via blogging to let everything out so I can "be" happy throughout the day. O.o

Sucks how I was made from two broken families and now my own family is coming to the end. It's been crazy for too long and I've always wanted it to end so it would be less painful. But wow.... no one would ever thought my dad's heart would be broken so bad that he is letting everything go.... None of us would ever thought things would become so bad...... life is full of surprises eh? is mine a lot more than others? We always have to compare it to worse situations so ours can look better and brighter.

Please and please let time pass by faster...........

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a God that I don't believe in
'Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't breakeven
They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding


Happy holidays everyone........ wish you well and happy!


Glasses........to drive

Book I’m reading: One Day by David Nicholls

Show I’m watching: 1000 ways to die on Spike TV

Person I’m thinking: Don Cherry

Can’t believe another month just flew by like this. This past month was definitely a crazy month for me. I can still remember back in July when I started counting down for my trip to Canada that was happening in October. That countdown took forever…. but when the trip finally got here, it ended as if it only happened for seconds. It is true that happy times go by super fast while the crappy one… you dread on forever.

As you know, I started November aiming for changes. Changes did happened but a lot more than I aimed for. For some reason, one thing changes and caused other to change to... ripple effect!! I have to think positive though. I definitely know though… things happen for a reason… when something bad happens, good will follow!

Seeing what happened to my brother, I felt like this world has became corrupted. So corrupted that you have to be strong to live on. You have to have the courage and be stern about what you want in life because people will shut you down in no time and crush you.

I would complain about what happened to me in the past but they did make me a stronger person! =)

Anyhow, I had to drop my classes a few days ago…. I researched and realized how much commitment this vet tech program consists.
The student needs to:

- Work more than 20 hours at a vet as a vet assistant

- Have a dedicated vet that will be your mentor and monitor you the whole time at work

- The mentor will have to sign paper work on what you’ve done every day

- This online vet tech program will last for 3 years and credits cannot be transferred. This program has to be done in this school.

I personally cannot commit to that schedule knowing I do have a full time job that I am commit to right now, finding a vet that will help me out with this will be very hard, and the 3 years dedication to the college for me right now is impossible. I want to move at the end of 2011… Plus the classes’ cost is too much for me to handle. I felt like I can always go back to another university after my move and start this again.

My plan for this month is to save money!!! Save money!!! + Watch hockey!!! + Exercise and lose another 5 or 10 lbs + No drinking and partying + stay away from cute guys + give my family as much support as they need

I think it’s not that hard to do! Right?.......... =P I can do it for sure.

This coming up weekend me and the boys (Vancouver crew -1) are planning to go to CT to visit a friend and dropping by NYC to see the big X’mas tree & eat yummy food! He is leaving the states soon to Iraq for two years…. =( He also said he would give us a tour of his submarine!! (Pictures coming! )

And Thanks again to all my friends for being there for me for the last few weeks (and in the future). I love you guys so much! Friends are priceless. I would give you guys hugs everyday if I could. These last few weeks has to be the toughest weeks for me to go thru!